That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
its not stalking. its research.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
