please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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