I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
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