I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
