haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Randomize
