i barfeds in our rink
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
