yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
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