i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
