Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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