no, he came in my armpit
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
