yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
