im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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