I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
