So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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