He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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