i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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