why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
