Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
