well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
