Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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