Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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