I'm lost and stupid without you.
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
