I can text with my tongue
that's an acceptable place to lick
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
