Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
It's shark week go big or go home
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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