Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
