I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
