Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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