What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
