I'm eating all of the evidence.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
the liver wants what the liver wants
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
