Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
