That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
