i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
