I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
