I could make wine with my vomit
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
