life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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