Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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