Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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