I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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