i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
