I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
