I puked a lego.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
