I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
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