God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
