dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
