I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
