fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
