The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
