i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
it glows. i had to have it.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
