My boss' voice literally gives me gas
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
