just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
being pregnant is like rehab
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
